Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Habit
For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Asking Questions
This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.
Personal Peace
I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.
Finding the Source
A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.
How Therapy Can Help
When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.
This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.
